"That Bastard Won My Car " An Account From the Losers Perspective.

@misslasvegas gave me an idea last week. I explained in a recent post in The Weekend community how I won a car on a radio show.
Link to the post is here. The original post is entirely true from start to finish which is funny in itself.

I was up against a girl called Shelia from Mayo who was not happy about how I (@blanchy) beat her in a tie breaker in the initial stages for a chance to win a new BMW.

The question was

"Any Australian comedian broke the world record for the most jokes told in a competition" How many jokes did he tell?...."

"Shelia you were the first caller so you can go first."

Shelia hummed and hawed and blurted out 300.
@blanchy came right in with his guess of 301 outwitting Shelia..
The correct answer was in the thousands and @blanchy was through to the final which took place on the Friday of that week.

So I took the privilage to look the events from Shelia's perspective.

---

Meanwhile in Mayo Ireland

"I cannot believe I said 300!!!"
"Jimmy my husband was shouting the word three at me in the background."
" I thought he was saying 300 but he was meant 3000."
"I panicked and just went with 300."
"What was I thinking and to add salt to the wound, some chancer from Tipperary came in with 301 just to beat me."
"What a conniving little git he was."
"Who would do a thing like that???"
"Karma will get him."
"Why did I even have to go first?"
"The final is Friday. He will have to be very lucky to win it out."
"Maybe I won't tune in on Friday."
"But I have to know if I had a chance or not."

4 days later.

"Will I tune into the final or not?" asked Shelia while she ate a nice ripe banana.
"I may as well, that bastard from Tipperary better not win it."
"What a big fucking bollocks he is."
"3 hundred and fucking 1"
"Stealing me of my dignity."
"Jimmy I'm gonna make your favourite this morning... banana bread."
"Thanks Shelia, you sure do love making all sort of delicious things with bananas in it."
"I love my bananas I do" says Shelia with a smile.

Source

"Right I must go and listen to this radio show for the chance to win a car final. Wonder what they will make them do....."

"There is a fruit in the glove compartment of the BMW. What is the fruit?....."

Shelia knew what she would go for. Her precious banana. Without a doubt. But in no way would that be the answer.
"The first fucking idiot had gone for Kiwi. Who eats kiwis in Ireland like? Some millionaire on her new diet?. Horrible little things. I'd rather suck a hairy testicle. Yuck."

The second guy went for plum. An even worse answer.
"Where do they get these dickheads out of?"
"At least the third person said a normal fruit which was orange."
"Then it was that motherfuckers turn."
"That bastard from Tipp who went by the name of Blanchy."
"I could not believe the next sentence that came out of his mouth..."

At the time Shelia was making banana bread. You could not make it up. It was the ultimate sliding doors moment.
"Ban..... fucking .......nana." he says.
"That would have been my answer." That would have been my choice."
"Jimmy even works in Fyffes."
"Hopefully it's wrong."

YOU ARE THE WINNER OF A BRAND NEW BMWWWWWWWW BLANCHY. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!

Shelia stood there in the kitchen filled with rage. That was her BMW. Hers. And the wanker that won it has humiliated her on national radio a few days before this.
Later that night when Jim got home there was half baked banana bread all over the walls of the kitchen.
Shelia had taken to the bottle. He walked into the living room where Shelia sat in the darkness.
"That prick won my car"
"Why didn't you say 3000 Jim?"

Jim had listened to the radio show as well that morning and had known that the winner was the guy that beat her from Tipp.

It was going to take Shelia a long time to get over this.

"Sure don't you have a Nissan Micra." he said jokingly.
Jim was met with a "Fuck off and leave me alone." so he left her stew in the front room and watched the match in the bedroom.

Days and weeks went by and Shelia could no longer look at bananas. Jim no longer had some banana bread to bring into work. Although he did work in a banana factory so in one way the staff were sick to the teeth at looking at anything bananay.
Anytime there was a BMW advert on Shelia turned over the channel.
She had complained to the radio show about going first was a disadvantage and they sent her a radio show hoodie and a bobble head radio show host as a consolation to put in her shitty little Nissan.
This added insult to injury.

She had to find this blanchy guy in order to get closure.
She listened back over the radio show and found out this guy was from Clonmel in Tipperary.
"There are not many beemers zooming around that kip." said Shelia to herself.

She had booked a weekend away for herself and Jim in Costa del Clonmel some weeks after.
She would leave Jim in the hotel bar while she would go "Shopping". A win win for both parties.

They reached Clonmel and off Shelia went for some closure. She had two weeks of sleepless nights.

She asked around who the lucky bollocks was that won the car.

After a few months Jim got sick of going to Clonmel while Shelia went "Shopping."

He knew dam well that Shelia was following the guy that won the car on the radio.

Being in a hotel bar every weekend for 3 months surrounded by girls on hen nights was challenging for Jim as he had what was known as a "Glad" eye which led to many an afternoon tryst in his hotel room.

Shelia had found out that Blanchy was now in Germany for a duration of 5 years and left the brand new motor outside his parents house to gather dust.

It was the ultimate insult.

She had had enough and looked up a Youtube video on how to hotwire a car.

One weekend she waited until the evening to make her move. She had all the tools for the job on hand. A pliers (from @wannabescrapper .com), a metal hanger and a knife. As the darkness came, she made her move and went about robbing the BMW. Shelia was surprised at how easy breaking into the car was. Once she gained entry into the car, she sat in the drivers seat but something unexpected occurred. The robot seat belt activated which was unfamiliar in Nissan Micra's.

Source

Shelia was on edge enough but this made her jump with the fright and she ended up hitting her head off the steering wheel and knocking herself out. The alarm sounded, air bags went off and Shelia was out cold.
The hall lights went on in Blanchys parents house. By the time Shelia came too the police had arrived and Shelia was taken away in handcuffs. She got 5 years in prison for Grand Theft Auto. Jim filed for divorce soon after. Shelia is due for release in 2024. She has vowed to take revenge on the guy that outwitted her in the radio show. Her prison cell has the number "301" itched into the concrete walls for every day she has put down inside. The banana she receives daily as part of her prison food triggers an episode which keeps her locked up in solitary confinement. Her day will soon arrive and she takes pleasure every night visualizing it in her mind. She will take out the DJ and his co host first. Then the Australian comedian and finally the icing on the cake. @blanchy.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH