In A Dilemma

I am in a Dilemma and I need your help. I think I'm in love with two guys and I don't know who to choose. Growing up, I never thought I will have such a problem. Here I am at 23years with 2 boyfriends whiles some girls can't even find one. Here's my story.

Source

I met a guy online and after chatting for awhile, we decided to meet. The meeting went well and soon after, he proposed. Things were going on smoothly until I went to college. I met another guy whiles on campus and even though I told him I had a boyfriend, that didn't stop him. He knew the right things to do and say and soon after, I was sleeping with him. I was already sleeping with my boyfriend and it was getting a bit too much for me to handle so I told my boyfriend we should pause on the sex. As understanding as he is, he agreed but unknown to him, I was giving myself to someone else. Now both of them want to get serious with me and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend is the boyfriend every girl will want. I can go through his phone anytime and visit him anytime, he has no problem with that. He's a good guy and sometimes I feel bad about what I'm doing but I just can't stop myself. He's safe to be with. He's stable and I can count on him but he's a bit boring. We never go out, we never do anything spontaneous. He doesn't mind going out with me when I ask, but he doesn't initiate such things all on his own.

The other guy on the other hand is so fun to be with. We go for events and festivals and stay up late into the night. He's just crazy to be with. We fight a lot but always make up with mind blowing sex. Sex with my boyfriend isn't bad though, but not that great either. My boyfriend is someone I see myself having a family with, but I don't know if I can stay with him under one roof for a long time.

I've seen lots of messages from other ladies on the other guy's phone indicating that I'm not the only one in his life. I know all the risks involved but with him, I come alive. I don't really know how to explain it but when I'm with him, it's like the sky is the limit. I know I can't be with him because I've caught him cheating several times and he's apologized but he continues. It's ironic that I'm cheating on my boyfriend but still feel hurt whenever it's done to me.

I feel ashamed telling people so even my best friend isn't aware. I wish I could see a therapist but I can't afford it. I wish there was a stranger I could share all this with and I wouldn't be judged. I have resumed sex with my boyfriend but I still see the other guy. Whoever I end up with, I hope it's the right choice. I pray my boyfriend never finds out because he's so fragile, it might break him.