Terms And Conditional Love

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One of the books I have been reading for my morning self-development time is "Mindset" by Dr. Carol Dweck. When it comes to growth literature I tend to read a rather broad and somewhat eclectic range of titles, but this particular book has been cited so many times as a solid bit of developmental literature, that I finally placed a hold on it so I could give it a looksy.

So far I have really been enjoying the treatise on the difference between fixed mindsets and growth mindsets. Dr. Dweck writes in a very conversational manner, peppering anecdotes throughout her premise paragraphs, so yes, I have been enjoying her work.

This morning however, one section really struck me. I'm working my way through the chapter about where mindests come from in regard to parents, teachers, and coaches. There's so much good material there for pondering, but these words really derailed me,

"We love you--on our terms."

"It's not just I'm judging you It's *I'm judging you and I'll >only love you if you succeed--on my terms."

Oof.

One of my big psychological hangups as a human is I truly believed for many years that if I didn't behave the way those who mattered to me expected, I would be thrown away. That I would get in trouble. It was a horrible aspect to my existence and one that turned me into a chameleon, a person who behaved in a manner not true to myself, but rather mimicked behavior that made the people I was around comfortable.

Because at a very young age I truly believed that people didn't care about who I was and what mattered to me, only what they wanted to see. At least that's how I processed it as a child. Life was better if you bended yourself around your parent's expectations, your teacher's expectations, your friend's expectations, etc.

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Now on the inside, I was completely myself. My mind was my own, and I got to be me there. It was my refuge.

But the toll of playing an excess of roles manifested in health problems and I spent the better part of three and half decades in a state of miserable duality.

But back to We love you--on our terms. I spent some time this morning reflecting on that sentiment, as I am a parent and the idea that I would be projecting my judgment on our children in regards to their growth as their own individual people horrifies me. Most parents want the best for their children, but I think it is so important to make sure that we are not trying to live through them.

Guidance and encouragement is so much better than judgement and hubris. I barely know what's best for myself, it's such a big endeavor to live. So when it comes to my children, I want to be supportive yet encourage them to develop the tools to learn regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in.

I never want my kid to feel like I won't value them because they aren't doing what I think they should do. And over the years I have been very vocal that their lives are their own, I am just here to steward and guide them as they learn to navigate themselves.

But. It's easy to fall into the trap of knowing what's best when you have to be in charge of something all the time, because let's face it, raising children is like being in charge of ever-expanding noodles, they are all over the place!

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So, to wrap up this thought train, I am going to spend more than a bit of time reflecting on my mindset when it comes to how I parent my kids. They are getting ready to go out into the world and I want my mindset to be one of supportive growth that empowers them as they evolve into the adults they choose to be.

I think I can dig those terms😊

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And as most of the time, all of the images in this post were taken on the author's full of terms and conditions iPhone, the header and footer images were made in Canva.

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In my experience, parenting just gets harder as the kids get older. The problems they face (and create) tend to be more complex, and the consequences of their own behaviors can be very serious. I have tried to be supportive of my adult children's choices in life, but sometimes it's really stretching my creativity to do so. I hope they understand I will always love them, even if they really screw up. (Which has already happened.)

I, too, wasted a lot of years trying to be the person I perceived my parents wanted me to be. They were dead before I figured that out so I never got the chance to ask them if my perceptions were accurate. I might ask my children some day if they tried to be the person they thought I wanted them to be, rather than be who they thought they should be. I'm quite sure one of them did, but stopped at some point in time.

Which raises another interesting question. Is it possible to focus on being who we think we want to be, only to discover we've been on the wrong path?

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Oof, we got hit by the plague (all of us but the dearest daughter), so we are all moving a bit slow.

And I hear you about the harder bit. Instead of physical exhaustion from chasing them around and caring for them, now my interactions with my offspring are far more complex. Just had an entire mental health sesh with the youngest over a pretty large and complex problem involving behavior on his part that will dictate how he approaches problems in my life. AHHHH!

And I, like you, truly hope they understand that I will always love them, screw ups and all, because boy do I make a lot of them. That said, I have always felt like your kids have the absolute bestest mom ever😊

I thought a bit about the whole idea of focusing on who we think we need to be and then possibly being barking up the wrong being tree. I honestly don't even know who I am supposed to be, so most of the time I try to focus on whether or not I am growing through doing good work. Or something. Honestly right now my cranium is splitting thanks to the plague which is rather annoying because your response is just so dang awesome so I think I am going to go to bed and most likely come back and chew on the question some more.

That said, I am looking forward to the discussion with my offspring about if I supported them in the being of them rather than coercing them into the mold of my own vision. That'll be fun times lol!

Hope you had the best New Years!

!PIZZA

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(Edited)

Oh yuck, I'm so sorry you've been sick! Thank you for the vote of confidence. I often feel like I've screwed up many times as a mother, but then again, I also remember lots of times when I think I did the right thing. It's a mixed bag.

Your post really got me to thinking about my youth, and I even brought up the topic with my sister during a recent phone conversation. She and I agreed that the biggest pressure we felt from our parents was to excel academically. She pointed out that our oldest sibling, our only brother, was and is a genius so he really set the bar high for us three girls who followed in his shadow. We both wonder whether our parents meant to put so much pressure on us.

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Very Very interesting 🤔

Time to have a look at myself, around others.

Thanks for the brain food my friend 😀

!BBH

!ALIVE

!CTP

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Aww, I have been down sick, again, and as usual, your replies always bring a smile to my face. Thanks for the positivity Mr. B, it is most appreciated!

Hope you and your wife are having a splendid evening!

!PIZZA

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