(SHORT STORY) 🌘 Initiation

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(Edited)

He'yo beautiful people. πŸ™Œ I'm finally back writing short stories on Hive. Granted last time it was Steemit, but we've left that name behind us, just as I've left short story writing behind me.

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I'll be starting a new short story anthology series set in a new world I'm developing alongside these stories. The emotes Will distinguish which story universe the piece takes place in.
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As always, I appreciate all feedback. I"m trying to become a better writer, so any advice would be great. 😌
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This one was a quick write-up and I'm very curious how it turned out. I'm personally happy with the outcome, but that means literally nothing. πŸ˜…
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Shoutout to the !PIZZA
gang πŸ€™ gang πŸ€™ gang πŸ€™


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β€œYea’?”

The burly innkeeper wore a stained apron. His balding head read something off a list while his hairy arms polished glasses. Such efficiency! Frederick marveled at the capabilities of this bait. If their bait is this competent, have I underestimated these ruffians? Frederick bit his lip. Was sister right? Again?

β€œYea’, kiddo, I see ya. You wan’ a glass of somethin’?” The innkeeper placed his stare on Fredrick.

Remember father’s words. Humility. β€œYes, uh, yea, kind s-, uh, man. Pops send me. He said introduce yourself presently.”

β€œPresently?” The man raised a bushy eyebrow.

β€œYe- yea, y-you know how P-Pops talks funny sometimes.” Fredrick plastered a dumb smile. He had to remember to speak on their level.

β€œHe does, does he? Tell me kiddo, he sent you for flour? Mm? Or was it groceries?”

Fredrick remembered the Fence his sister sent him to - Pops they called him - and his sour expression when he said. β€œFlour, kid. I’m sorry, but, maybe it’ll teach ya something.” As if these lowborn goons could teach him anything. Again, however, they displayed caution with the password. Confidence seizes caution! His father’s mantra echoed in his mind.

β€œFlour.” He said.

The innkeeper grabbed another glass, returned his gaze on his lists. β€œYa see that door? Go on. Out back young’n, a coat hanger carryin’ a red towel.”

β€œSplendid. Um, later... Bossman.”

As Fredrick approached the backdoor, he heard the innkeeper behind him. β€œOh, β€˜n kiddo! Leave the towel where it be.”

Fredrick entered a rather large storage room. It had boxes on boxes, bags of barley, beans, potatoes, and grain. Sausages, and cheeses, and bowls filled with broth aromatized the entire room. So much food. In one corner, however, there were two cupboards stacked with clothes – the one up against the wall had the red towel.

I was right. This is no pesky nuisance as father thought. Fredrick pulled on the hanger. These miscreants wish to establish themselves atop our hill. How else justify the arrogance of this operation?

A false back revealed a shaft with a ladder going down. As Fredrick descended he observed the walls for any tripwires or other low cunning traps. His sister’s precautions proved inadequate once again. He smirked at her suggestion that they might lead him astray – Pops was her man, after all, he would never jeopardize such a privilege. Also, the amount of food up top was too high for a scruffy inn outside the city walls. They tipped their hand, and Fredrick puckered in amusement at the careless oversight.

The ladder led to an annoyingly extensive wine cellar. As he entered the cellar proper, a fat purple cat hissed at him and scurried off.

This place smells vile. He assumed their drink would meet the standard of their food but- no, wait. The color, too black for any wine - almost violet. And the smell… This is no wine. What are these amateur alchemists brewing?

A door swung open and Fredrick took a step back. It was the same man as up above. But… how?

β€œYea’?”

β€œH-how did you β€“β€œ

β€œNone of your biz, kiddo. Now straight’n ya face β€˜n follow me.” He left the cellar through another door.

Is this some kind of trick? Have they duped me? He saw his sister gloating, laughing, pointing. No. This bald shmuck is the other’s brother. Yes. There could be no other explanation. Fredrick had to remember his goal: if he was successful here, he would remove a serious thorn in his father’s side. And prove everyone wrong, once and for all.

Fredrick followed his guide through several short hallways, each seemingly smaller than the last. There were people here: carrying supplies, drinking flasks of violet, sitting around whispering – whispering and laughing… at him.

Do they think I can’t do this? He looked at all of them. So they remembered his face when he returned. Scum. Nothing more. I’ll show them…

They entered a chamber filled with alchemical equipment. The air was repugnant, disgusting. Several colored clouds hung near the vaulted ceiling blurring his vision. It surprised Fredrick to feel a light breeze on his feet. How did they get air circulation all the way down here?

β€œGot ya’ some fresh blood, Domie.” The man who was not an innkeeper said.

An old man was grinding something with a mortar and pestle. When he saw Fredrick, he scowled. β€œMust I?” He said in a wheezing voice.

The only other person in the chamber was a girl, roughly Fredrick’s age, reading a book in the corner.

β€œWe drew lots.” Fredrick’s guide said.

β€œYou!” The alchemist pointed a gnarled hand. β€œYou drew lots. Not me. I told you last time, I want no part in this.”

The Not-An-Innkeeper shrugged. β€œThe β€˜prentice then. I don’t care. You’re β€˜ready a part of it, old man, gainin’ a conscience now will only ruin ya’.” He left.

The old geezer stared at Fredrick with glossy eyes filled with intent. Same eyes as grandfather. This man has seen some fumes. Time and again these people surprised him. I have to remember this laboratory perfectly for my report.

β€œWhat’s your name, boy?” he asked.

β€œFred-β€œ

β€œActually, no. Don’t tell me.” He whistled and the girl strode to stand next to Fredrick. β€œPaula. They've sent this young man for flour. Can you assist him?”

β€œLaying your burdens on me again, old man?” The girl said with a smile.

The alchemist got back to his work, head bowed, Fredrick barely heard him. β€œYes. Yes, I am.”

β€œAlrighty, then.” She pinched his shoulder. β€œCome on fresh blood, follow.”

The girl led him further into the chamber; it was larger than he first realized. They approached a dingy bookshelf, behind which was a dusty, spider web-ridden alcove. The girl grabbed a nearby broom and attacked the filth. She wore dirty, white robes - the mark of an apprentice.

However, Fredrick was more curious about the state of the alcove.

β€œNo new members recently?” He asked, thinking that made no sense for a place as notorious as this.

β€œPlenty, actually.” She threw the broom away after a few whacks, she had barely cleared a couple of webs. β€œNo pure-bloods though, you came just in time.”

Fredrick’s heart skipped a beat. β€œH-how did you-β€œ

The girl smiled. β€œDon’t be flustered, city boy. Your speech, your manner, your clothes.” She chuckled. β€œIt all screams Hilly.” She waved him on. β€œCome on.”

A sudden thought, unbidden, and dangerous, leaped out of him to say. β€œWould you accept me?” His voice cracked. "Even if I was?” He wasn’t sure what he was. Or why. But he felt a certain kinship with the girl.

She didn’t smile; nor move; eventually, she turned and sighed. β€œCome on. Follow.”

They went up a rot-infested ladder not that different from the one Fredrick just used. His head was spinning. Spinning so much he almost fell down halfway up the shaft. β€œSteady there, pure-blood.” was all the girl said as they continued to ascend.

They don’t respect me yet, but- Unsought, disapproving stares shook their heads. Always…. Always disapproving… I’ll show them… I’ll show them all!

A trap door led in fresh air as Paula pushed it open. They were suddenly outside, in a broken-down shed. Fredrick noticed there was no way inside but for the ladder. He followed Paula as she sat against a beam and took out a vial filled with the same dark violet liquid as before.

Fredrick gulped at the sight. β€œWhy do thieves need…. That?”

β€œYeah, that’s all you Hillies think about.” She proffered the vial. β€œThis is a Guild, pure-blood. Not a gang.” She was shaking the vial now. β€œCome on, you want us to accept you or not?”

He grabbed the stuff then, popped the cork and – the smell… it was… cherry? No. It wasn’t, but it smelled leagues better than the fake wine below. The actual recruits drink the good stuff, eh? His sister’s precautions could not be silenced, however.

β€œW-why must I? Will this… liquid, enhance my capabilities?”

β€œWhat capabilities?” Paula hadn’t stopped smiling since they arrived. β€œYou want to join us? Drink. Don’t worry, it’s not the same as the stuff from the cellar. Oh no – you don’t want that stuff.”

He saw them all then. The whole lot, not just his family, but all of them. Laughing at him. He was not in his right mind, and he knew it. Why was he even here? Was he mad? Be bold son. In whatever you do, be bold.

Confidence seizes caution!

The taste was much worse than the smell, but Fredrick gulped it all down anyway. β€œNow wha-β€œ

He collapsed to the floor. No longer able to feel his limbs.

β€œNow?” The girl’s smile was all he could see. β€œNow, we get to test your capabilities, pure-blood.”

She stood over him, knife in hand. Where did she get that? And why? Were they being attacked? Huh. Fredrick's shirt got wet. He looked down to see it getting redder… and redder. Weird that. He was so tired… The girl was so intent he wanted to help her. But he couldn’t move.

Huh. Shouldn’t he feel… anything?

β€œIt’ll be over soon…”

The last thing Fredrick of County Penrose saw was his sister snickering at him.

I’ll… show… her…

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If you've made it this far thanks for reading! πŸ˜—

Any and all feedback is appreciated - we're all trying to become better writers here.

πŸ‘Š Follow me on my HIVE blog | Twitter πŸ‘Š

Have a good one. πŸ™Œ

The image was acquired for free from pixabay.com. You can find its source here.



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18 comments
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A good read! Poor Fredrick... His arrogance appears to have killed him! I'd like to read more about this mysterious thieves guild!

!PIZZA

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Thanks for reading it dibs! πŸ‘Š

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(Edited)

PIZZA! PIZZA!
@grocko! The Hive.Pizza team manually curated this post.
PIZZA Holders sent $PIZZA tips in this post's comments:
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Welcome, @grocko! Your story is intense and suspenseful. Thank you for sharing it in The Ink Well.

Now that you're here, please have a look around and get to know how our community works. We are all about quality short fiction and engagement!

You can find our community rules at the top of The Ink Well home page. We ask everyone who posts in The Ink Well to read and comment on at least two other writers' work in the community for every story published.

You can also find some introductory information in our recent newsletter. And be sure to visit the resources available in our catalog of fiction writing tips.

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Thanks for the warm greeting! πŸ™‚

I've already done all that stuff, so we good. πŸ˜…

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I enjoyed your story, @grocko. It had me on the edge of my seat! I appreciate that you didn't get too gory with your ending. (And of course we have rules about that in The Ink Well.)

Since you asked for feedback, I will share a few thoughts with you. You are clearly a master at integrating action, dialog and narrative. That is difficult for many writers to do, and it is something I often recommend that our writers work on. But you've got it down! It's a joy to read a story that has a nice mix of those three elements. It really helps the story to flow and keep the reader's interest.

The one thing that troubled me was that the information around the protagonist's quest was vague. I wasn't sure where he was, why he was asking for flour, or why it entailed him taking a journey through the building. I think just a bit more information early on, with an indication of why he's actually there, and why he has been getting these warnings from his sister, would help to eliminate confusion and let the reader become more involved in your story.

Well done. Keep writing! We're glad you've joined us.

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Thank you so much for the feedback, invaluable.

The vagueness was intentional, cause I wanna continue writing in this world. But you are right, I could have still accomplished that while being more clear. I wasn't aware of that, so thanks for pointing it out. πŸ™‚

Glad to be here, especially after this constructive feedback. πŸ‘Š

🍻

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Well, that ending was unexpected. I'm sure Frederick didn't expect that one misunderstanding would lead to such a result. Great story by the way.

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Thanks for reading ! πŸ‘Š I'm glad you like it. πŸ™‚

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Let me say that I loved this story! It's so original and easy to read! Hope to read more of you!

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Gracias senorita 😘 I'm glad you enjoyed it. πŸ˜‡

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Wonderful writeup. It's sad Frederick lost his life.

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Thank you, mam. πŸ™‚ And Fredrick losing his life is sad, but telling.

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This is quite an initiation into the Thieves Guild for Frederick! Why is he so confident that "he will show them all"? I can say about his character that he lived to please his family rather than himself.

I very much enjoyed your story, @grocko. It's captivating with suspense and some action. But one thing was missing β€”what mission or quest was Frederick on and why did he pursue it so till it led to loss of his life?

Beautifully written! πŸ™‚

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Thanks for reading it Kem. I see now that my obfuscation of information was not handled with the appropriate tact. I def learned a lesson. πŸ˜…

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Hehe. Regardless, this is great and I look forward to reading the continuing part, if there will be one. Well done. πŸ™‚

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