(SHORT STORY) π Initiation
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I'll be starting a new short story anthology series set in a new world I'm developing alongside these stories. The emotes Will distinguish which story universe the piece takes place in.
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As always, I appreciate all feedback. I"m trying to become a better writer, so any advice would be great. π
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This one was a quick write-up and I'm very curious how it turned out. I'm personally happy with the outcome, but that means literally nothing. π
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Shoutout to the !PIZZA
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βYeaβ?β
The burly innkeeper wore a stained apron. His balding head read something off a list while his hairy arms polished glasses. Such efficiency! Frederick marveled at the capabilities of this bait. If their bait is this competent, have I underestimated these ruffians? Frederick bit his lip. Was sister right? Again?
βYeaβ, kiddo, I see ya. You wanβ a glass of somethinβ?β The innkeeper placed his stare on Fredrick.
Remember fatherβs words. Humility. βYes, uh, yea, kind s-, uh, man. Pops send me. He said introduce yourself presently.β
βPresently?β The man raised a bushy eyebrow.
βYe- yea, y-you know how P-Pops talks funny sometimes.β Fredrick plastered a dumb smile. He had to remember to speak on their level.
βHe does, does he? Tell me kiddo, he sent you for flour? Mm? Or was it groceries?β
Fredrick remembered the Fence his sister sent him to - Pops they called him - and his sour expression when he said. βFlour, kid. Iβm sorry, but, maybe itβll teach ya something.β As if these lowborn goons could teach him anything. Again, however, they displayed caution with the password. Confidence seizes caution! His fatherβs mantra echoed in his mind.
βFlour.β He said.
The innkeeper grabbed another glass, returned his gaze on his lists. βYa see that door? Go on. Out back youngβn, a coat hanger carryinβ a red towel.β
βSplendid. Um, later... Bossman.β
As Fredrick approached the backdoor, he heard the innkeeper behind him. βOh, βn kiddo! Leave the towel where it be.β
Fredrick entered a rather large storage room. It had boxes on boxes, bags of barley, beans, potatoes, and grain. Sausages, and cheeses, and bowls filled with broth aromatized the entire room. So much food. In one corner, however, there were two cupboards stacked with clothes β the one up against the wall had the red towel.
I was right. This is no pesky nuisance as father thought. Fredrick pulled on the hanger. These miscreants wish to establish themselves atop our hill. How else justify the arrogance of this operation?
A false back revealed a shaft with a ladder going down. As Fredrick descended he observed the walls for any tripwires or other low cunning traps. His sisterβs precautions proved inadequate once again. He smirked at her suggestion that they might lead him astray β Pops was her man, after all, he would never jeopardize such a privilege. Also, the amount of food up top was too high for a scruffy inn outside the city walls. They tipped their hand, and Fredrick puckered in amusement at the careless oversight.
The ladder led to an annoyingly extensive wine cellar. As he entered the cellar proper, a fat purple cat hissed at him and scurried off.
This place smells vile. He assumed their drink would meet the standard of their food but- no, wait. The color, too black for any wine - almost violet. And the smell⦠This is no wine. What are these amateur alchemists brewing?
A door swung open and Fredrick took a step back. It was the same man as up above. But⦠how?
βYeaβ?β
βH-how did you ββ
βNone of your biz, kiddo. Now straightβn ya face βn follow me.β He left the cellar through another door.
Is this some kind of trick? Have they duped me? He saw his sister gloating, laughing, pointing. No. This bald shmuck is the otherβs brother. Yes. There could be no other explanation. Fredrick had to remember his goal: if he was successful here, he would remove a serious thorn in his fatherβs side. And prove everyone wrong, once and for all.
Fredrick followed his guide through several short hallways, each seemingly smaller than the last. There were people here: carrying supplies, drinking flasks of violet, sitting around whispering β whispering and laughingβ¦ at him.
Do they think I canβt do this? He looked at all of them. So they remembered his face when he returned. Scum. Nothing more. Iβll show themβ¦
They entered a chamber filled with alchemical equipment. The air was repugnant, disgusting. Several colored clouds hung near the vaulted ceiling blurring his vision. It surprised Fredrick to feel a light breeze on his feet. How did they get air circulation all the way down here?
βGot yaβ some fresh blood, Domie.β The man who was not an innkeeper said.
An old man was grinding something with a mortar and pestle. When he saw Fredrick, he scowled. βMust I?β He said in a wheezing voice.
The only other person in the chamber was a girl, roughly Fredrickβs age, reading a book in the corner.
βWe drew lots.β Fredrickβs guide said.
βYou!β The alchemist pointed a gnarled hand. βYou drew lots. Not me. I told you last time, I want no part in this.β
The Not-An-Innkeeper shrugged. βThe βprentice then. I donβt care. Youβre βready a part of it, old man, gaininβ a conscience now will only ruin yaβ.β He left.
The old geezer stared at Fredrick with glossy eyes filled with intent. Same eyes as grandfather. This man has seen some fumes. Time and again these people surprised him. I have to remember this laboratory perfectly for my report.
βWhatβs your name, boy?β he asked.
βFred-β
βActually, no. Donβt tell me.β He whistled and the girl strode to stand next to Fredrick. βPaula. They've sent this young man for flour. Can you assist him?β
βLaying your burdens on me again, old man?β The girl said with a smile.
The alchemist got back to his work, head bowed, Fredrick barely heard him. βYes. Yes, I am.β
βAlrighty, then.β She pinched his shoulder. βCome on fresh blood, follow.β
The girl led him further into the chamber; it was larger than he first realized. They approached a dingy bookshelf, behind which was a dusty, spider web-ridden alcove. The girl grabbed a nearby broom and attacked the filth. She wore dirty, white robes - the mark of an apprentice.
However, Fredrick was more curious about the state of the alcove.
βNo new members recently?β He asked, thinking that made no sense for a place as notorious as this.
βPlenty, actually.β She threw the broom away after a few whacks, she had barely cleared a couple of webs. βNo pure-bloods though, you came just in time.β
Fredrickβs heart skipped a beat. βH-how did you-β
The girl smiled. βDonβt be flustered, city boy. Your speech, your manner, your clothes.β She chuckled. βIt all screams Hilly.β She waved him on. βCome on.β
A sudden thought, unbidden, and dangerous, leaped out of him to say. βWould you accept me?β His voice cracked. "Even if I was?β He wasnβt sure what he was. Or why. But he felt a certain kinship with the girl.
She didnβt smile; nor move; eventually, she turned and sighed. βCome on. Follow.β
They went up a rot-infested ladder not that different from the one Fredrick just used. His head was spinning. Spinning so much he almost fell down halfway up the shaft. βSteady there, pure-blood.β was all the girl said as they continued to ascend.
They donβt respect me yet, but- Unsought, disapproving stares shook their heads. Alwaysβ¦. Always disapprovingβ¦ Iβll show themβ¦ Iβll show them all!
A trap door led in fresh air as Paula pushed it open. They were suddenly outside, in a broken-down shed. Fredrick noticed there was no way inside but for the ladder. He followed Paula as she sat against a beam and took out a vial filled with the same dark violet liquid as before.
Fredrick gulped at the sight. βWhy do thieves needβ¦. That?β
βYeah, thatβs all you Hillies think about.β She proffered the vial. βThis is a Guild, pure-blood. Not a gang.β She was shaking the vial now. βCome on, you want us to accept you or not?β
He grabbed the stuff then, popped the cork and β the smellβ¦ it wasβ¦ cherry? No. It wasnβt, but it smelled leagues better than the fake wine below. The actual recruits drink the good stuff, eh? His sisterβs precautions could not be silenced, however.
βW-why must I? Will thisβ¦ liquid, enhance my capabilities?β
βWhat capabilities?β Paula hadnβt stopped smiling since they arrived. βYou want to join us? Drink. Donβt worry, itβs not the same as the stuff from the cellar. Oh no β you donβt want that stuff.β
He saw them all then. The whole lot, not just his family, but all of them. Laughing at him. He was not in his right mind, and he knew it. Why was he even here? Was he mad? Be bold son. In whatever you do, be bold.
Confidence seizes caution!
The taste was much worse than the smell, but Fredrick gulped it all down anyway. βNow wha-β
He collapsed to the floor. No longer able to feel his limbs.
βNow?β The girlβs smile was all he could see. βNow, we get to test your capabilities, pure-blood.β
She stood over him, knife in hand. Where did she get that? And why? Were they being attacked? Huh. Fredrick's shirt got wet. He looked down to see it getting redderβ¦ and redder. Weird that. He was so tiredβ¦ The girl was so intent he wanted to help her. But he couldnβt move.
Huh. Shouldnβt he feelβ¦ anything?
βItβll be over soonβ¦β
The last thing Fredrick of County Penrose saw was his sister snickering at him.
Iβllβ¦ showβ¦ herβ¦
If you've made it this far thanks for reading! π
Any and all feedback is appreciated - we're all trying to become better writers here.
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Have a good one. π
The image was acquired for free from pixabay.com. You can find its source here.
A good read! Poor Fredrick... His arrogance appears to have killed him! I'd like to read more about this mysterious thieves guild!
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Thanks for reading it dibs! π
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Welcome, @grocko! Your story is intense and suspenseful. Thank you for sharing it in The Ink Well.
Now that you're here, please have a look around and get to know how our community works. We are all about quality short fiction and engagement!
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Thanks for the warm greeting! π
I've already done all that stuff, so we good. π
I enjoyed your story, @grocko. It had me on the edge of my seat! I appreciate that you didn't get too gory with your ending. (And of course we have rules about that in The Ink Well.)
Since you asked for feedback, I will share a few thoughts with you. You are clearly a master at integrating action, dialog and narrative. That is difficult for many writers to do, and it is something I often recommend that our writers work on. But you've got it down! It's a joy to read a story that has a nice mix of those three elements. It really helps the story to flow and keep the reader's interest.
The one thing that troubled me was that the information around the protagonist's quest was vague. I wasn't sure where he was, why he was asking for flour, or why it entailed him taking a journey through the building. I think just a bit more information early on, with an indication of why he's actually there, and why he has been getting these warnings from his sister, would help to eliminate confusion and let the reader become more involved in your story.
Well done. Keep writing! We're glad you've joined us.
Thank you so much for the feedback, invaluable.
The vagueness was intentional, cause I wanna continue writing in this world. But you are right, I could have still accomplished that while being more clear. I wasn't aware of that, so thanks for pointing it out. π
Glad to be here, especially after this constructive feedback. π
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Well, that ending was unexpected. I'm sure Frederick didn't expect that one misunderstanding would lead to such a result. Great story by the way.
Thanks for reading ! π I'm glad you like it. π
@silentbot star 4
Let me say that I loved this story! It's so original and easy to read! Hope to read more of you!
Gracias senorita π I'm glad you enjoyed it. π
Wonderful writeup. It's sad Frederick lost his life.
Thank you, mam. π And Fredrick losing his life is sad, but telling.
This is quite an initiation into the Thieves Guild for Frederick! Why is he so confident that "he will show them all"? I can say about his character that he lived to please his family rather than himself.
I very much enjoyed your story, @grocko. It's captivating with suspense and some action. But one thing was missing βwhat mission or quest was Frederick on and why did he pursue it so till it led to loss of his life?
Beautifully written! π
Thanks for reading it Kem. I see now that my obfuscation of information was not handled with the appropriate tact. I def learned a lesson. π
Hehe. Regardless, this is great and I look forward to reading the continuing part, if there will be one. Well done. π