10,000 Hours - Hour 408

It's. So. Fuckin. Nice. Out

These past few weeks(months?), weather here has been shit. Like, absolute shit. I think a lot of people would refer to the weather here in general as such, but nah, this winter has been just straight up bad.

I don't mind the cold. I actually enjoy it. And I'm a huge fan of snow. But, it's been cold as it possibly could be this winter, WITHOUT any signs of real snow. It has snowed ONCE. Ok, maybe I'm lying- maybe more like three times. But the first melted immediately and the third was just kinda a couple inches to make up for the melt in between.

A couple weeks ago I hurt my chest/ribs/idk. I fell skateboarding in my friend's basement in a very stupid moment of attempting to escape an awkward interaction with someone I don't get along with who had showed up at their house. It's definitely the stupidest way I've hurt myself in a very long time, and it was not my proudest moment, BUT I am so happy that I am finally starting to feel better. It was very sharp and concerning at first and I was afraid that I had possibly punctured my lung. But, with the recovery, I now know that's not true.

And I couldn't be happier that I'm finally starting to feel better on one of the nicest days of the year and one that precedents a possible second snow storm of the year. The probably is is that it's currently in the mid 30s out and I'm scared this snow might turn to rain/shitty wintry mix.

My dog is also super happy about it. It's hard to get him off the porch. Maybe this will give me an excuse to actually clean it- a task I have been putting off since, well, the fall. I remember it still being a shitshow on Halloween.

If you've been reading my stuff I'm sure you've noticed a lot of negativity and it may seem like I've been really down. While this is accurate to some extent, it hasn't totally been like that, and there's been a lot of self growth and positivity as well. I have gotten back into painting pretty heavily- a medium I do not consider myself talented in but that I enjoy with all of my heart. I've been working on my physical health quite a bit and have been trying to figure out how life goes on without my partner. It hasn't been easy, and I certainly can come off as very negative; but much of that negativity is about realizing self worth and a lifetime of society making me feel without that worth.

I think a lot of people struggle with the same sort of paradoxical acceptance of themselves vs. the external acceptance of them. This world doesn't make it easy, whatsoever. I do feel, though, as little as it can seem, that we are actually making some strides in the right direction. There will always be traditional, conservative, judgmental folk in the world- that is a given. But I do feel like I see a strong shift in the ratio and that hopefully someday those will be in the minority and people will be allowed to be themselves and function within normal society- granted "being themselves" falls within the boundaries of morality. I've lost too many friends that have given up on the world to not hope for that future. And I am glad I am still here.

I have also been writing a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I'm not sure where my recent inspiration has come from; but I'm hoping it's here to stay. I think at this point my book could actually be done and (hopefully) published by the end of this year..... (praying). I'm still learning how to write long pieces- it's something very very unfamiliar to me. And difficult. And, well.. organized. It's tough to actually remember all the details of what you are writing when it's over the period of months/years.

My only other real experience with long-form narrative was maybe about 7 years ago or so, I had started a fictional novella loosely based on the song Last Kiss by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers. It's not ACTUALLY based on the song, but it was certainly inspiring. When I was younger, the first friend I lost was hit(on foot) by a drunk driver. That same year, my first girlfriend and I split up as her family moved 3000 miles away, and shortly after that she became a missing person. I think the combination of those two events has cause some sort of very deep connection to the song- while neither of them fit what happens in the song, the combination of events gave birth to a certain psychological pattern in my head.

And I never talk about those things- particularly the second. Like, ever. So the fact I just typed that without even the slightest thought of crying shows to myself some sort of strange form of progression.

Anyways, given my inconsistent housing(I was on and off homeless during the years I was writing), a tendency to break electronics or have them get stolen(relating to housing issue usually), and just me being a generally insufferable nerd I had attempted to write the book by hand. I had a binder with about 35-45 handwritten pages in it; a binder that was also eventually stolen(well the backpack was, not the binder itself) and ditched under a tree where eventually it was found. The pages were very weather damaged but still for the most part distinguishable, and maybe someday I will finally get around to typing them out and restarting that project.

But that will always be more of a personal project. As my first attempt at writing fiction other than a several page short story- I'm sure it has it's fair share of flaws. Maybe some day I can make it into something.

That's all for today. I'm gonna go stare at the sun and enjoy these mid 30s temps while I can. <3