This Can't Be Real

As bleak as everything could be, as if sunrays dissolves into the horizon, I pray that everything else will be alright.

(Image by Pexels from Pixabay)

A while ago, I was rushed to the school's clinic again, because for an unkown reason I felt frail and hurting. Never once did I ever experienced this kind of pain. I was never this sickly. The last time I had a fever was last year and it left me that very day, this somehow scares me thinking that I must have had cancer and my family wouldn't afford the medication and the expenses that comes with this.

'Was I working too much this past years?' I asked myself.

The things that I try so hard to avoid are coming so soon or, just maybe? I wasn't fated to last that long?! The ceiling had been my only companion on those scary thoughts, and now, I just wanted to go home because it's so hard to think better when you just felt so bad. Maybe dying at home is more honorable than staying at the place you never wanted to be.

I was silent for a moment. I was in the lowest part of my life when I came to see Lily's smiling face looking down at me. She had a near laughing face that she tried so hard to contain.

"Would I die soon, Lil?" I asked in my tiny voice. It was a real and heartfelt question but Lily brushed off my question. I can't help but felt disappointed at her reply. She was laughing so hard this time while saying a big 'NO'. After all, HER being my friend for a mere four months doesn't guarantee that she cared for my well being. I turned away from her and let go of my pent up emotions. I was sad because no one even cared, I realized. Not even my aunty had helped me out since I complained my ailings to her. She even told me a few weeks ago that I'd led myself to this. Who won't get hurt at that. Not that I always counted my good deeds but I'd help others if they needed my help too. Why can't I have that now?!

"Hey, Mandy, why are you crying?!" Lily asked perplexed by my actions.

"I'm going home now." I told her as I left the clinic's bed and get my bag.

"And don't follow me." I childishly added.

"I'm sorry, it's not what I meant." She said running after me.

"Go back to the clinic right now, Mandy?!"

"No thanks, I'll be walking by myself and by the way don't ever follow me!?" I shoot at her wanting to just be alone.

"I never meant it that way. Let us wait for a doctor!" She said.

"Please don't follow me, Lil."

"Ok, I'll get you a car!"

"Leave me alone, please. My place is just near here. I can walk on my own."

"Mandy, I'm so sorry. I think you needed some rest. It's nothing to be scared of." She stated. Unaffected of what I had said.

"Probably it would be gone if I walk." I said.

"Mandy! You need to rest."

"Just don't argue with me anymore, Lil. Your not helping me."

We reached the main gate of the school still agruing over riding a car or not when we both know my aunty's home was just walking distance away.

"Should I need to tell Keith about this?" Lilian stated talking about my suitor.

"Lillian, no? What would other people do with this!?"

It seems the pain would just worsen everytime I argue so I remained silent. Whatever Lily had to say I don't wanna agrue anymore. I'd rather be in my bed sleeping.

"You'll feel better once he's here." She suggested.

We reached home. My second home that I've grown to love for a few years. We reached it not knowing how long we had walked or if there was a traffic ahead or was the sun too warm or not. I was pained enough to hear or see what's going on. I walked to reach my aunty's home but no amount of walking could take the pain away.

'Why is this happening again?' Not on this day when I still had a lot of reports to do.

The pain had worsten as the time passed by. If not for Lily, I cannot open the front door nor the gates. She helped me walk up the stairs towards my room.

"I'll get you some pain reliever, okay?" She said as she went out the door to get it from the kitchen and I can't help but sob. Not even once did I felt as painful as this. Last month, it wasn't this painful. I don't understand why as months progresses it just get worst.

As soon as I drank the medication I tried to fall asleep. But no matter how I tried to ignore the pain, it was so unbearable.

"I'll watch you sleep." Lily informed.

"Thanks, Lil." I muttered.

Tiredness seeps through my bones and I started to feel sleepy at last. It seems that my body ignored the pain because it felt tired, so tired to what had happened to it these past months. That last few months I had felt this extreme pain in my abdomen. I hid it to my aunt thinking maybe it would soon be gone. It did went away but only to be back again stronger than before, and I finally told my aunt. I thought she'd help me get cured. I thought she would care, but all I could get was her cold indifference. How I regret telling it to her thinking that she's more motherly than my own mother? But I was wrong. Yet, I took it as a lesson. I never should expect care from someone. Especially if I'm the one asking for it. Why did I get so crazy thinking that she would help me go to see a doctor? Now, I prefer to lay on my bed ignoring pain. Perhaps, I needed more rest and more time alone. I am thankful for Lily, and to my parents and siblings that I left home, they shouldn't see me suffering like this.

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ABOUT ME

@janesuiren is an introverted night owl who enjoys coffee a lot. An otaku and a foodie, she also lives inside the stories she dreams to publish one day. You can catch her admiring her rainy and picturesque hometown in Western Leyte, Philippines.

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