Where do you go?

As I ease gracefully into maturity, I find myself thinking a lot about thinking and how some of our psychological issues have crept into our lives and how to deal with them.

Me, I suffer from Anxiety (with a capital A). I have a good life, wealthy and easy by global standards. I have a great, supportive family and, beside my waning libido, very few problems. I still get crippling anxiety attacks though, right out of the blue.

I thought I'd share, over a couple of posts, how I deal with them, as I know that many share this horrid affliction. Hopefully, something I write can help.

In this post, I'll share some revelations I've had and been given about out 'happy place' and, maybe how to improve yours too.

Often, when we want to relieve anxiety or destress, we visualize a 'happy place' or somewhere that we feel comfortable and safe. I ask many people about their happy place and often they will tell me about a spot in nature, out in a forest, a beach or even out in space.

One thing that I notice is that, in nearly every case, they are by themselves, that even though birds or animals may figure in the vision, often there are no people.

I also recognise that people are, probably, our greatest sources of stress.

I used to try to ease into a nature - based happy place; a spot on a hill, overlooking a forest that filled a valley. It was sunny too, a gentle, war, kind of sunny. Nothing wrong with that, except that most times, I struggled to maintain that vision. The difficulties of the day that made me retreat to my bucolic happy spot would creep in around the edges, taking effort to dispel. 'Bucolic' is my favourite word. It sounds like something terrible but can represent great beauty.

One day, due to more frequent than usual anxiety attacks, I went to see an hypnotherapist. One of his early questions struck me as odd. He asked 'why are there no people with you in your happy place'? This question has stuck with me ever since and has been one of the most influential concepts in my growth as a person.

I said it was because I wanted to relax. People, for me, at that time, were not conducive to relaxation unless they were masseurs or sex workers. The therapist's response was to ask my whether there had been any times that I had felt relaxed where I was surrounded by people.

At first, I reacted negatively. We went on to discuss another topic and, as I left his office, he asked me to think some more on the question. This therapist never made new bookings at the end of a visit, his method was to let clients think on the day's discussion and hypnosis practice. If they wanted to return, they could rebook.

The question stuck with me and over the next week, several instances of where I had felt relaxed and happy, even serene, popped into my mind.

One of those situations was striking in that there were hundreds, if not thousands of people around me at the time. I was sitting on a low wall at an intersection of Nathan Road in Hong Kong, passing time. If you've ever been to Hong Kong, you'll know that it can be very, very crowded. Not as crowded as some of the places I've been to in Asia, but enough. I remembered that it was hot and I had been considering moving to the cool of Kowloon Gardens for the afternoon. then, somehow, my mind synced with the movement of people, birds and traffic and I felt very comfortable. Not anywhere near a Satori state or anything but pretty Zen anyway.

I stayed there for nearly an hour, smiling and greeting (sometimes suspicious of this unkempt, grinning traveler) passersby and Pigeons and feeling pretty relaxed. From that day on, that was my Happy Place!

On the next visit to the therapist, we did some light exercises to reinforce the memory (acknowledging that the memory may be a little better than the original incident) and to make it easier to recall in detail. I've never had any type of therapy since then and that time marked great reduction of my reliance on prescribed drugs.

When I chat with people about going to their Happy Place, I usually find that for most, gardens and bucolic scenes are the norm. Sometimes though, I find someone for whom the repetition and synchronisation that mark a youthful night at a roller rink, repeating circuits and weaving amongst fellow skaters is her soothing memory. Another has a skydiving experience that she recalls when she is stressed. Although she is alone in this memory, the thrill and focus of freefall helps and when she pulls the string to release the parachute, she is back in control of her mental state.

This concept of being with people in your Happy Place has worked well for me and others. It is a different take on going somewhere pleasant in your mind to escape a stressor, it can even be a little confrontational for some. I present it here as something that has worked exceedingly well for me.

*Disclaimer: As this post has a vaguely medical kind of theme, I suppose that I have to do the usual and say that I am not a Doctor, nor a licensed therapist of any kind. The information in this post is not intended as medical advice. * That should make them happy!

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