Self Improvement: Success Starts with this

As a coach, I am used to people coming to me with problems, and while I am meant to help the client solve those problems themselves, to draw out their solution from them, it's tough to not just serve up a solution then move on.

I have to admit that sometimes this is when I switch modality from coach to consultant or teacher.

After years of making my own mistakes, or getting lost along the way, I don't enjoy the "tough love" strategy of seeing people fall on their arse over and over again.

There is, thankfully, one question that above all helps people cut directly to the root of some major roadblocks in their life, work, business, and relationships.

When you read the question, don't just make a snap reaction, instead of your "hot take", you need to instead sit with the question a bit and go far deeper. You might find something very instructive to you if you allow it.

If you don't find you can do that, then that is valuable intel also - what is preventing you from answering this question openly and truthfully right now? Is there an emotion attached, or even a memory or event that rises that you feel the need to push down?

OK, Chris, what is this magic question?

What does success look like to you?

Anyone who immediately answers this question superficially and rolls their eyes, or snorts that it is "obvious" or "common sense", those people are on the road to being at the mercy of other people who have a better answer than they do.

Let me give you an example of a "wrong" answer.

Wrong answers to the question

Perhaps you said success is "great wealth". Cool cool cool cool ... but what does that mean to you?

Would you agree with me that "wealth" is relative? Great wealth in Western Canada where I live looks a heck of a lot different to great wealth in Silicon Valley or Manhattan, right?

Plus, would you not agree that there are different dimensions and aspects to what great wealth looks like to you versus me?

One of my favorite business teachers is childless, so his context around wealth is quite different from mine, especially when he dismisses the idea of "work-life balance" and compromise in marriage. When we moved to Canada from the UK I intentionally scaled back my business so I could spend more leisure time with my daughter, rather than work. He would call that self-sabotage, I call it self-care.

I've got too many people in my network who I feel screwed up their kids by not spending enough quality time with them.

So "great wealth" is different for any specific person, be it cultural, geographical, social, financial, or whatever.

If you answer the question with something around wealth, is it even enough to be financially wealthy to you? One person might say that 4 houses aren't enough to be considered wealthy, while others might say owning any property would be too tying and too much stress, they would rather be nomadic in their lifestyle.

A real example from my own experience

A while ago I learned about a visualization technique. The idea is you bring forward a past success, happy event, or time when you felt confident, lucky, or fulfilled in your life.

Even today, I struggle to do this.

When I am introduced on stage or on a podcast, etc, one of the things people say about me is that I am a published author.

You would think that would be on my list at least once? Nope.

Without the aid of hypnosis or pharmaceutical assistance, I couldn't tell you what it felt like. Any of it, apart from the stress of writing to a deadline.

I can't remember what it was like to "get the call", to sign the contract, to see the book in person, on the bookstore shelf, to see the Amazon leaderboard, none of it.

My family congratulating me is something I am sure must have happened, but I can't remember it.

This isn't something I tell you to make you sad, or to make you feel sorry for me (or weirded out), rather I am pointing something out about mindset.

I only think of it as a success because other people tell me it is.

So I ask you again, what does success look like to you?.

What are the details? How does it feel? Do people, or a specific individual, congratulate you? Is it a deliverable or a situation?

In the example of your goal being "become a published author", surely you don't want to just see your name in print, you want your book to sell well, to get positive reviews, and so on, correct? Put all of that meta information (information about information) into your answer, write it all down.

Work back from the end

Your work doesn't stop at imagining, in detail, what success looks like, though that is very important. This isn't a situation where you make a wish and put it out to the universe (though you can do that too).

Next, now you have your end goal, you need to think about what must have happened for that to be real for you?

In working on this process for myself, I have come to realize that my health goals are being severely negatively impacted by my mindset, and my attitude toward nutrition, exercise, and even self-image.

For me to lose all this excess weight or rather achieve what I want to physically, I need to work on those mental blocks and instill in myself some positive, daily habits. To stick with those habits I need my own routines and I need for my family to be completely on board (no "here is a sugary treat, you have been working so hard, you deserve it!")

There will be education, processes, resources, tools, etc that you need to put in place. You might find there are others who have already achieved this goal before you, what can you learn or model from them?

I don't mean that you need to know all of this now, but you need to know what you need to know.

Does this make sense?

Bottom line

So many people are treating their goals as if they have hopped in a boat and set off into the surf without setting a destination, not even checking the fuel tank or the weather report, then wonder why they end up seasick, stranded in the middle of the ocean during a storm.

If we figure out where we are headed then we can ensure we have all the resources we need, and we can course-correct as tides and winds blow us off target. It also allows us to veer off to sight-see, or soak in the sun, while still knowing how to get back to heading in the right direction.