Reflections of a father - am I the man I'm supposed to be?

Reflections of a Father, am I the man I need to be?

I was born in the 80s, a time where TV's required you to get up and manually change the channels, a time where on fields sports ment broken bones and bloodied noses. A time when a man was valued by how course and how dirty his hands were at the end of the day.

A time when mum was at home caring for the kids all day and preparing the evening meal. These times were also tarred with what people claim today to be misogynistic and abusive towards women.

Something I bore witness too as a kid, my mum ended up a single mum by the time I was 3 due to alcohol fueld violence, lack of money and constant arguments. A time when women could not go out and get work and welfare for single mothers non existent. We found ourselves homeless and in poverty. Eventually spending much of my early life in government housing supported by the state.

My mum picked up work where she could, low paid jobs that didn't cover the cost of living. Meals were hard to come by and most nights we shared a single potatoe, often grown in the back yard.

Time's have changed since then which are good but it's left a gap in my life, a massive unknown. Something I never gave much thought to until having a daughter.

Growing up without a father figure in my life I didn't have anything to associate with being a "good dad". My early experiences were of alcohol fueled violence that often left my mother black, blue bloodied and in tears. I remember these images vividly in my minds eye. As if I am looking at them right now. They've stuck with me all my life as scars of my early years. The only knowledge of a father and also knowing what not to be as a father.

Brawls on the footy field were no different, and stories from others was a similar life experience. We were all in agreement as kids that our dads weren't being good dads. But something so common and imbedded in the "rule of thumb" an English law that allowed a man to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.

This law came across to Australia with English settlement and has been traditionally applied for over 220 years. No alternative applies for a women to do the same to her husband.

A ridiculous rule that enables a man to intentionally harm the one he loves and for what purpose would one need to assault the love of their life? Income or lack of is not a means for blame, if it is vengeance you seek then seek it from those whom are the cause. The mother of your children is not the cause of one's poverty.

From my pain in my past I do not raise a hand to my children, at times I wish to but that is my own self failing and losing control. That is not for my daughter or son to bear the brunt of, so I walk away.

My wife and I argue about various things as all people do, but I have never felt the urge or need to raise my hands with her. For what purpose would it be for? To beat her into submission? And what if I am the one that is incorrect and she is right? A harmful damaging action has occurred committed by me to my love and the mother of my child.

But a lack of a father figure in my life has left a gap, what does it mean to be a father? How do I become a father? What memories would my daughter have of me and what negative behaviours am I cementing in her psychy that will have damaging effects in her later life?

At times I am envious of my daughter, as I do not know what it feels like to go bike riding with your dad, or fishing or camping or spending time with a father. What is it like to talk to an adult male. Is she having fun? Is she enjoying her time? Am I being fair? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'll often ask her am I an OK dad or what can I do better, she always tells me that I am and if I gave her more piggy backs I would he an awesome betterer dad. But she is my daughter and I am in a position of power with her. To her I am a giant and she is but a small person.

I have always encouraged my daughter to challenge me, to tackle me on decisions she does not agree with. I want her to live without fear I want her to have the courage to fight me for what she wants in a way where her voice is heard and respected. At the moment it surrounds late night sugar and junk food. I hope that in the future these battles provide her with the development she needs to not fear other men as I did as a child.

That she is able to stand up and speak up for what she needs in life. But I simply do not know, I don't know if what I am doing is right. I have further thoughts around the raising of my son, my wife has the major role as the woman in lead in our home in ensuring my daughter grows up to be a strong independent women. But my son will look to me to see how a man needs to be.

Today's world is vastly different than the 80s and I do not know how to grow up as a man in today's world. I don't know what my son will need from me as I will no doubtly need more of him then him of me. He will have a father in his life and I don't know what that feels like or how to be a father.

I quite often find myself looking at my shadow and wondering, Am I the man I need to be?