"I carry your heart with me..." - Ladies of Hive contest #54
What is the most important thing that you ALWAYS carry with you, and why?
Gosh now, this should be easy, right? I mean, of course, you'd think it must be my mobile phone! I use it for absolutely everything: my banking, making payments, online shopping, gaming, trading crypto, research for Hive articles, social media, taking photographs, keeping in touch with family and friends, making actual phone calls 😂and it is always with me!
But wait... is it the most important thing that I always carry around with me, and is it the first thing that came to mind when I saw this question because we intuitively know what is most important to us, right?
I have to admit that my mobile phone was one of the things that sprung to mind, but the first thing that I thought of when I saw that question were the words of E.E. Cummings I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart
I carry your heart with me
I carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
This poem means so much to me. You see, I lost my Mom 2 1/2 years ago. I was very fortunate in that, living 6000 miles away from her and not having seen her for some time, my brother and I decided that we just had to go and see our parents, and it had to be in March 2019. We considered going later in May for our parents' birthdays, but my brother had this weird foreboding and insisted we go in March. We both knew that our Mom had not been very well for a few years but nothing could convince her to see a doctor. She was into alternative medicine and despite literally dozens of pleas from all of us, she would not budge on the issue. She had an inability to trust the medical profession after being let down so badly by surgeons in the past who were guilty of medical negligence but at the time there was no way to fight the issues.
So we visited in March and spent time with our parents. Somehow this time around, we finally convinced both of our parents to have a basic medical check-up with a GP (my Mom had a more pressing medical issue and she caved to our requests) and discovered that they both had extremely high blood pressure which seemed to be causing all of my Mom's issues. They both went onto meds straight away.
When we returned home to the UK, I remember giving my Mom a big hug and her saying, "I hate goodbyes, so I won't come outside, but I love you, my baby." We squeezed each other tightly and I told her how much I loved her and I walked out to the car with my brother and Dad. We said our goodbyes and climbed into the hire car. And then, I just knew somehow, and I got back out of the car, ran inside and threw my arms around her and gave her the biggest longest hug I had ever given her and told her I was going to miss her so much and that I loved her. Then, with tears running down both of our cheeks, I had to leave.
A month later, on 27th April, South Africa's Freedom Day, I was on an evening out with some girlfriends and the conversation turned to the loss of parents. I hadn't experienced such loss yet but something stirred inside me and I became very somber and suddenly felt completely empty inside. I left the restaurant about an hour later, not having said much in that last bit of time spent there, and headed home. My husband was awake still and we sat on the sofa with a cuppa in hand when my mobile rang. I went cold as it is set to DO NOT DISTURB between certain hours and only a few people are exceptions to that rule. I saw my dad's number and I didn't want to answer, but I had to...he was crying...sobbing...and he broke the news to me that my Mom had passed that evening. She had suffered a heart attack and the ambulance had taken over an hour to get there. It was more than tragic. He was distraught but thankfully my uncle and aunt had already arrived at my family home to be with him. It is a call I will never forget... and I had to then be the one to make the follow on call to my siblings... The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
As an aside ... it is strange because to me it was 27th April that my Mom passed away, but for my Dad it was 28th April because of the time difference. So for me, it will forever be that my Mom passed on Freedom Day, but her official death certificate states 28th April as she passed at 00h17 SA time which is 23h17 UK time. I don't know why I shared this but it's always been a weird anomaly for me.
My brother and sister both came up to my house the next day and we flew out to South Africa immediately to be with my Dad and to arrange for my Mom's memorial. I remember saying to my siblings that I felt that Mom lived on in all three of us and that in some way this gave testament to her life. That as we were born of her genetic code and raised with her love, we were effectively one with her, it was just our minds that had developed with their own personalities. I am not sure that this brought either of them much comfort at the time, but it did for me.
And even though she no longer graces my life with her physical presence, her soul lives on in my life. I talk to her often, and whenever I need her, I know she is there in spirit and I know her response. I still feel her love and her enduring wisdom. She raised me with great love and affection and pride and gave of her time so freely. I see her in my reflection. I hear her in my voice. I carry the very essence of who she was with me together with the immense love and respect that we had for each other. I carry her heart with me, I carry it in my heart and this is why she is the most important thing that I always carry with me.
Photo credit: Photo taken from Canva Pro