A Personal Story with a Soundtrack - I chose the scary road alongside the Abyss
I have been writing a lot about the dark places I have visited over these last couple of years. I guess the reason why is that they are now behind me.
So, when I pick up my virtual pen and start typing, these stories flow onto the pixelated paper.
1. Live - Overcome
To the unaware this plastic little place that we call life is just among many stairs. We slowly stroll down the path we´ve chosen for ourselves.
That is probably why I always have been doing things the hard way and learning things the even harder way.
As a little kid I used to say "self doen," which is sort of Dutch for I do it. That was before Nike stole my line and turned it into "Just do it." I never minded the Beatles, even liked their vibe but I always despised the song Help!
2. I Don't Need Help Song | Funny Kids Songs
But now I am not so self-assured, because man I messed up so many times. I chose my path and got burned every single step of the way. But I always did it my way I could give you too many examples so I will not give any today and come to the point straight away.
When I was 8 I wanted to build a house out of milk bricks, so I could live on my own in my mother's garden. When I was 18 I left the house I was born and started living on my own far away from my family, my friends, and the life I knew. The life that trapped me.
3. Freddie Mercury - Living On My Own
So much time to enjoy my Monkey business, well at least till I reached 28 and I figured that the south of Holland was still not far away enough from my family. So I moved to Spain. And now please don't think my fam. is horrible, but I felt I was caught in a web.
A web spun by my mom who willingly, but probably unwillingly, tried to control her offspring's movement. And not only her offspring, but basically her whole family.
She would drip-feed her plans into her surrounding to get everyone on her page. I am sure she meant well, but the more I distanced myself..., the more her smothering suffocation became clear.
Even moving 2400 Kilometers did not set me fully free.
Now I need to point out that the feeling was heavily underlined by my ex. My mom and her did not really get along, probably because in the end, they were like peas in a pod. Both were seeing through each other's game-play, while I was the fool trying to keep things together.
4. Megan Davies - Blind Fools
The funny thing is, that in the end, the fool becomes the wiser. While the spiders just keep spinning away at their web, the fool sees the wholes in that web and is able to tread carefully and not arouse the spider.
But before the fool learned to dance on those thin wires he had a very long way to go.
A way that turned him incommunicado with the woman that gave birth to him for 8 long years. The biggest pain is not me missing her, but her not witnessing her grandson growing up, all because of spiders being very stubborn creatures.
Before I closed the door I brought her a heart of glass, as a reminder of how fragile love and life is. Not knowing that my ex probably did some incantation upon my gift prior to it ending up in the eight legs of her advisory.
5. Heart of Glass - Blondie Cover Ft. Brynn Vos
Even after my ex left me, I did not contact my mother. As mentioned my path in this life was always about "I do It", and I don´t need anybody´s help in any way.
And I did it, I didn´t get caught in on of lifes many traps and boy I could have been.
I was gambling when I was way too young and carried that habit into my adult life for many years. I probably lost a lot, but walked the line and did not lose myself.
6. Magnet - I walk the Line
Drink & Drugs is another fascinating way to go down in history like another nobody.
Again I was tempted to go down that road so many times. I´ve tried almost all flavors presented by our Lady of Seduction.
Guess it was just my luck that nothing really was to my liking, maybe I just have no tastebuds.
From trying LSD before I was allowed to even drive a car, smoking the grass of the gods, and eating the truffles and mushrooms that open up the windows to unimaginable dimensions to drowning in all those drugs that close the mind and feed the numbness.
It might have been the fear I carried inside me as a kid, the fear of true addiction.
Fear inserted in me by watching a movie that shouldn´t be watched by an eight-year-old. If I close my eyes I still see that scene of a girl ODing and suffocating on her own vomit.
Those images at such an early age might just have been the protection I needed later in life.
7. The Verve - The Drugs Don't Work
There are many more sirens that crossed my path luring me in one direction or the other. I stumbled. I fell ...flat on my face and it hurt like hell, but I always got up again. I never even thought about staying down and giving up.
Deep inside I knew I was the traveler and this was the road I had chosen for myself.
I was an 8-year-old kid I tried building my own house, at 18 I left the house I grew up in, and at 28 the country I was born, I saw that movie at 8, I didn´t speak to my mother for 8 years.
The number 8 is a lucky number according to Chinese superstition, if you turn that 8 horizontal it´s the symbol for infinity.
I guess that is all just coincidence.
8. Sleeping At Last - "Eight"
I am gonna go and leave it at 8 songs for now, because just like last time this little project is getting bigger than it was initially set out to be. That´s what happens with good stories, I promise to be back soon with part 2.