A Personal Story with a Soundtrack - I chose the scary road alongside the Abyss Part 2



Here is where Part 1 ended:

As an 8-year-old kid I tried building my own house, at 18 I left the house I grew up in, and at 28 the country I was born. I saw that movie when I was 8 years old, and I didn´t speak to my mother for 8 years.

The number 8 is a lucky number according to Chinese superstition, if you turn that 8 horizontal it´s the symbol for infinity.

I guess that is all just coincidence.

music-notes-bottom (1).svg

Part 2

Coincidence my baby butt. Things do not just happen and Karma is a Lady in high heels that kicks like a mule.

At 38 I got happily divorced.

As I wrote in Part 1 my ex and mom were two peas in a pod and I was just figuring out that both were misleading me.
Being incommunicado with my overbearing mom, that lied and cheated to get her way, did not really help during my divorce from a girl who was gaslighting me.

Avery Anna - Narcissist

And although growing up my dad never showed any spine, he had my back during those days. He was 1500 miles away, but at least someone sometimes asked how I was doing.

Don´t get me wrong, it was my choice to move far away from my family. I wanted to create a life for myself, by myself, in a country far far away.
Still, I don´t know why I did it.
What drove me away from friends and family?

Maybe one day I will figure out the bigger plan that life has in store for me. But for now, there is just one thing I need to do: get out!

Little Hurt - Get Out Of My Life

And I got out.
Well, in all honesty, she got out, together with the guy that was volunteering at our place. I never understood why her ex supported her moving in with me.
I do now, as I paid for more sh!t than I should, just to set her up outside my life.

This new guy would probably do the same one day. Or at least that´s what I thought. Guess he was smarter than that. He got up, and got out after a couple of years. He did not let her suck all the life out of him, he did not wait on his replacement.

So there I was, all by myself. I had not felt that good since I stopped DJing ten years ago. Of course, I lost a lot. I lost seeing my boy every day, but I was no longer fighting every single hour. Hours I wanted to spend with him, but were consumed fighting with her.

The Killers - Runaways

Like any self-respecting man in my position would, I started to drink.

Drink and look back on those last years. Discovering what I could learn from living in toxicity.

I took a lot of bottles of gin off the wall, but after all those bottles my main lesson learned was about Ego. Understanding when Ego made me strong and how EGO made me weak.

I also found that a leaving love is like a closing door. When one love leaves another one returns.
I quited my DJ career for two reasons.

One, I wanted to stop while I was still on top.
Two, to follow her and my dream to live abroad.

Two months after she moved out I was playing at THE reunion gig in the club where I used to be the resident DJ.

But those things happen, it´s all coincidence.

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During the days prior to the gig I stayed in the city where I used to live, and looked into the eyes of a love I lost.
We even shared the same bed one night.

Yes, I am talking about the bed of the one that got away.
We had a beautiful time, but nothing that could happen in bed happened. I found that we couldn´t go back there again. Not for now at least.

Billy Joel - Scenes from an Italian Restaurant

The gig was the biggest and best gig I ever played in that club. I hadn't touched a dj set since I left the place. Still, nobody noticed, guys I admired for their talent told me they couldn't hear the years of rust on my skills.

I had never felt as good as that night. Maybe because of all that happened, maybe because I finally found a bit of myself.My ex had broken me down for years. Although she never succeeded, there were huge holes in my self-confidence.

That night was the first time in years that I was doing something I enjoyed. A door had opened, a door forward, as you can never go back to your past.

Once the reunion was done I went back home to my messed up life.
A life in which I lost my wife (thank God), in which I lost the house with the pool (luckily just a rental), and lost the chance to see my son every day of the week.

Madison Beer - Everything Happens For A Reason

At the same time a life where I had me time for the first time. Me time meant time to travel, travelling without money meant I had to be traveling my mind.

During those travels I uncovered forgotten places and lost faces. I saw events I did not know I witnessed, but most of all it showed the path I had to travel.

At 38 I finally figured it out, well the first couple of steps (and even that is not 100% sure).

  • Instead of talking, I should listen.
  • Instead of looking for answers, I should observe what answers life provides.
  • Instead of asking why I should accept.

Accept what I heard while meditating, what unfolded when writing, and what life had chosen to reveal.

Accept there is a plan...a plan made for me before I even was me.

Sufjan Stevens - Mystery Of Love

Is there an inner voice?
A wiser version of myself?
Am I guided by voices?
Are those words I hear just fragments of my overactive imagination?
Are they remnants and relics of drugs gone by that still play their tricks on my neural pathways?
Sirens luring me into an unknown abyss?
Or guides leading me into the light?

Sadistik (Feat. Wicca Phase Springs Eternal) - Sirens

What I heard was:
Steady yourself. Be prepared, ready to receive. The path is still long, ensure the blood ties are preserved for generations to come.
Understand that the student one day becomes the teacher. Know that all these lessons are in preparation for your third life.

My first life ran from my infancy up until the first overtly betrayl by my mother, multiple sources telling me how she trash talked me behind my back.

My second life almost has come full circle, it was about surviving the doom and gloom that comes with abuse.
Being abused mentally, and emotionally by a woman, a wife.
Abusing substances and feeding addictions, without truly going over the edge but always flirting with the risks.

Life two is ready to be left behind. These last days are like waiting in a Hotel Lounge, knowing the plane is not leaving for another day.
Dreaming about your next destination, but obliged to stay.

dEUS - Hotellounge (be the death of me)

There will be a part three someday dear reader, but for now, I am stuck in that hotel lounge.

I have a pretty good idea of where I need to be going. I don't think it will be the death of me, I am just waiting on my departure.

music-notes-bottom (1).svg

Thank you for the read. I love writing these stories with a Soundtrack, let me know if you do too! And if you do stay tuned as a dark witchie one is coming.



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Great post! Relationships are complicated but Im loving the music selection.


Thanks although complicated is kind of an understatement but I am sure you meant it as such 😁 but I am done writing about my troubled life for a bit. Turning my next musical stories into a bit less fact and a bit more fiction. Let´s see how that plays out !CTP


I believe you realised a series of valuable 'lessons'-learned with the 3 observation of yours:

Instead of talking, I should listen.
Instead of looking for answers, I should observe what answers life provides.
Instead of asking why I should accept.

With that, it cant be your 3rd 'life' will be the same or similar to your past two lives. Well, it can, but since you realise what you realise, you have all the tools not to fall into the same trap. I do believe all these things shall be in balance since just accepting everything is somehow taking the energy away to try and change things. That said, people can't be changed, whatever and however they are, is to be accepted. The older I get, I see myself more and more living day by day. The past is the past, and the future will happen as it happens, but not thinking about it too much. Sure, I make plans from now and then, but mostly I live in the moment, the today and maybe what's coming next few days. Such a way of living gives me a lot of peace of mind. This works for me because I'm (mostly) accepting my life and how it is unfolding itself. And that unfolding part s mostly not planned, but determined by coincidence and more or less on the spot decisions without too much thinking. Again, obviously, I do think about things, which makes the on-the-spot decisions easier to take, but still :)


I think you´re right, the next life should/would be lived by a wiser person. And although I fully agree with living in the moment. I still suck at it. Which probably makes it the main lesson for my next life, and I so hoped I was done with lessons and could just enjoy part 3 ;)


Living in the moment is not easy. Am still try to live in the moment more; The journey from 'future looking' to 'in the moment' is a journey I'm travelling already for 20 to 25 years by now. Njoy your explorations in this respect. Baby step by baby step 🙃