I've been struggling lately. While I know that my excuses are not valid at any point and there's someone out there to tell me that I'm just being lazy and I can keep going, I'm taking the easy road out.

5 months ago when I made enquiries for my French program, I was certain I didn't need more than 3 months to understand and speak as much as would make me comfortable. However, within the first month, we were told that competency takes 6 months. I bought into that and thought "what's 6 months that a girl like me can't handle". However, right now, I can't take it anymore.

My 5th month ends on Monday and right after that, I'll be taking a break for at least 2 months. I feel saturated like my mind holds way too much information that I currently cannot process entirely until I rest for a long period or at least focus on something else.

I began focusing on the pans of others and trying to create a way forward for myself using their plans and it has been frustrating, to say the least. I can't find my bearing anymore. I can't think properly anymore. I need to do what's best for me and get some more money.

I spent a long while in bed trying to figure out why everything kept getting on my nerves. Why I was on the verge of selling some assets out of the blues to buy a new laptop and why I just want to go crazy.

I figured I needed to talk to someone before I lose my mind so I had a chat with my older brother and he helped me see things clearer. I know a lot of people who have immigrated without the skillset I have or even the added advantage of a second language. My initial intention for picking up the language course was to facilitate my work experience and now that I think about it, I need to focus on that a bit more.

I'll be making use of some language exchange applications on my phone. Maybe I'll get the paid versions to get a better result and some other effective apps I've been using for free. I need to focus on something else and re-strategise, those were the exact words of my brother. I think he's right.

The goal is still to immigrate. My time learning French has been amazing. I made friends, I had an amazing relationship with a guy along the way, I had some awesome experiences but now I think it's time to dust my feet and move on to the next phase of my life.

The 5 months cost my dad almost $370 but they were for a great cause. Next, I'll still be getting a new laptop next month. It is an investment I'm willing to sacrifice a few assets for because I know I'll be able to earn whatever I spend back in a matter of time.

I'll only be spending about $200 on this project. Yes, I know that's a small budget for something as important but I don't think I'm capable enough to spend beyond that yet. I'll also be purchasing a generator and some other things to get my room in order so I can finally get to start my podcast.

In all things, I'm a lot more relieved than I was by mid-day today. I'm glad I found a way to vent and get a lot of weight off my shoulders.

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