Persona Non Grata

Am I dead?

Never have I ever woken up from sleep to such a slanderous thought! The golden rays abundantly pouring through the tiny holes in the curtains hinted at the presence of a glorious autumn morning! Am I in heaven? I again asked myself! The reminiscence of the pulsating pain in my lower abdomen from last night was answer enough! I am alive! Kicking and breathing to fight for another day!

I should not have eaten that much chanachur last evening! Or to put it more accurately, I should not have left my humble abode yesterday! If I had not, I would not have taken that stupid bet leading to such an intense period of gastroenteritis! And the cherry on top of the cake was, I did not even win! For a long hellish eight hours, my stomach had turned into a hot fuming furnace! I could not sit, lay down or keep standing up! At one point, I started working out, doing push-ups and sit-ups to dull the pain and keep my mind occupied! For a fleeting moment, the pain subdued! And then, like that century-old mahogany with weak roots collapsing in a fiery tropical hurricane, I, too had, collapsed and passed out!

Such intestinal issues are not something new to me! I Have had to go through such agonizing pain quite a few times throughout my life! The cost of a careless lifestyle a person might say! And so even before I could have breakfast, my mum showed me to the door! She kept threatening me with no dinner if I did not get the proper pills! Mum's you know! Even if we get old and saggy skinned, to them, we are always not much older than a toddler! And so I had to run for my life when she chased after me with a broom!

Typically there are two types of medications available in my country! One is the traditional pills, and then there is ayurvedic! `you know, those hawker type guys who go from house to house and sell Shokol Roger Mohaoushodh’s. Except those rarely work! To be honest, I kind of like those, as most of the time, those are laced with alcohol and benzodiazepines! At Least the ones I have ever had. Always gives me such a nice buzz! Stronger than weed but not as strong as diazepam! So I thought, why not buy those instead! And quite conveniently such a guy lived right next door!

Baji, aap jante ho mere biwi hamlogoka tenth annyvarsary me mujhse kya manga tha?

Did I somehow unknowingly become a psychic at some point! If not, then how in God's earth would I know such a random thing!

Probably a divorce! I whispered to myself.

are bau, kya majak kar rahe ho! Ham to imandar charitravan bande hae, hamare charitra me koi dag nehi! To divorce keu mangenge hamse! Majak choro!

A quick glance at his biceps had subconsciously made me gulp in fear! I started counting my blessings! The guy is a six-foot-two giant Bihari, as thick as a concrete pillar of Burj khalifa, who with the slightest of efforts could flick me in the air! Thank God he has a good sense of humor. A little too good of a humor perhaps, as because I was in no way prepared for what came next!

To jab hamne biwi saheba se pucha ke meri jan, tumko kya chahiye! To usne mujhe bola usko bahar jane ki ijajat chahihye, aapne sahelio se milne ki ijajajat chahiye. Ham logo ka to koi ladka ladki bhi nehi hae, to oo khub aakele par jate hae! To baji, aapko pata hai humne kya kiya?

Before I could even ask kya, he shouted...

Sabrina, chae hua kya!

In a wooden tray with two teacups on top of it, out came another pretty-looking woman! Not the one I had had the privilege of meeting earlier!

Baji, yeh hae hamare dusra biwi! Mehbuba ko saheli chaihiye tha, to ham inko le aya!!

For a long weird moment, I waited for him to say it was a joke! But even after his exhilarating laugh had ended, 'It's a prank bro' never came out of his mouth! And now, when I am a little high on those homeopathic pills, I can hear them screaming! Well, everything is quite attractive when you are stoned, ain't that the truth!:P