Theinkwell Poetry Challenge | How I Fell

in hive-170798 •  2 months ago  (edited)

I dreamed of a soulmate, instead I've got her.
She sucked out my joy, and threw me away.
How to proceed with the fog and the blur?
My heart's eye can't stop the sobs of dismay.

A zombie on streets, a status on chairs,
Now all that is left of me is my shell.
There once was in me, some love to be shared,
But, into this pit, that was how I fell.

Her smile in my eyes, Her voice in my head,
Our vows to hold tight... none of them were lies.
Did I know what lies, a few stabs ahead,
Would I still have tried to live for what dies?

PS: I'm not the story, I'm the writer...

Years ago, during my university days, I was going home from a Karaté training session. On my nightly way from one far corner of the city of Tunis to another dangerous corner, I got stuck in a public transport station, waiting for the tramway.

A stranger came, and sat next to me. The smell in his mouth, the dreamy staring eyes, and the heavy breaths... all screamed "He is drunk!"

He addressed me saying "My friend..." oh, am I your friend now? "can I tell you my story? maybe you can advise me..."

Yeah sure, it's not like I have better things to do now... "OK, let's see if I can help"

"I had a fiancee" oh come on not another love-victim! I hope the tramway comes soon and interrupts us "we loved each other... she lives in Sousse (a city 200 Km away from Tunis) so we mostly speak on the phone and we don't meat so often" a distance relationship? no wonder things went wrong... "One day, after our usual intimate talk, we always call each other 'love' and 'darling' and other sweet words, and that last time was no different, but I suddenly lost contact with her afterwards"

Ok this is a new one for me "Why? Did something wrong happen to her?"

"A week later, I went to her house in Sousse to see her and find out what happened. Her father told me she doesn't live there anymore. I found it strange, I asked him why. He said she lives with her husband, in their new home"

"What? this is insane! And she never bothered to tell you or at least to break up with you before she gets married to another man?"

His next words made no sense, with the sobs and the hums and the swears... but his body language was so plain. He's still hurt, deeply.

I'm not qualified for this situation. All I could say to him was that he should get over he, she didn't deserve him. She broke her oaths. She was probably after the new guy's money. You, my friend (yeah I used the word friend), will find someone better than her, and you'll be laughing at yourself for crying over this treacherous girl.

I don't know if my words made any difference to him, but I couldn't do any better. His story, though... it got stuck in my memory, to manifest itself years later in the shape of this poem.

What would you have advised the guy?

Authors get paid when people like you upvote their post.
If you enjoyed what you read here, create your account today and start earning FREE STEEM!
Sort Order:  

There is what feels like such an undeniable truth of emotion in the poem.

The contrast in the first and last verse is really powerful. From the first verse where 'soulmate' becomes 'her' and love is thrown away by someone who didn't value it, to instead seeing love as dying. You capture the duality of heartbreak, both the outward push of hurt, and the need for it to have been real and died.

The middle verse really carries a feeling of being gutted, of an overflowing love, and a void left in its place, and with it, the feeling of having none left to give. It holds a deep pain so vast and resounding, refuge is sought in a hollow shell of nothingness.


Would I still have tried to live for what dies?

the fact that it ends on this question carries so much, even after all the emotion, there question of was it worth it, would I do the same again, still remains. Very accurate portrayal of the nature of love, how easily it twists and hurts, how hard it is to truly get over, the endless wondering.

As for your friend, probably something not too dissimilar. Fucking sucks, to think someone loves you completely, and find they hadn't meant a word of it. There is something almost transcendent in the way people can and do confide in strangers, a trust of humanity, and level of deeper understanding that can pass between people who have never met before, and will probably never meet again.

I always love your comments old-new friend 😊 and the attention you give to the posts before you comment!
you seem to have said it all here... and seen things I haven't seen myself 😉

Hi, @hazem91.

About the poem:

I treacherous woman is a classic motive for a poem. In the first stanza we learn the speaker is probably a man who feels betrayed (by life, destiny?) and has been hurt after getting the wrong soulmate. In the second stanza, he lets us know he's not able to love again because he feels empty. The irony of his circumstances is stressed in the third stanza:

Her smile in my eyes, Her voice in my head,
Our vows to hold tight... none of them were lies.

This woman has become his soulmate indeed, but in such a twisted way: she is attached to him like a haunting ghost.

I read it aloud and there is an anapest at the end of each line. Nice!

Although it is a classic topic, you made it sound like heavy metal; the way I see it, this intensity is a plus.

Thanks for sharing :)

About the backstory and your final question:

It’s a tough one for me. I'm rather shy when it comes to talking to strangers. I think that anybody who chooses to talk to a stranger to discuss such matters probably needs professional help. However, the reply “You should see a psychiatrist” is far from polite and may hurt them instead of helping them. I think I’d just tell him that I’m sorry and that I understand how terrible his situation must be. I believe that commiseration is what most people with this sort of behavior are looking for; just a sample of warm empathy in a cold, cold world.

I missed your comments from back in the 100 days poetry challenge 🤗
they are still the same impressing and morale boosting kind of "reviews"
you seem to see a light in everything, even when it wasn't intended to be there
Thank you 😊

I missed those days, @hazem91. To some extent, that's the reason why I felt so happy to discover this community.
Thanks for your thoughtful and kind words :)

Interesting what a weary soul will do when feeling lonely and confused like this guy you speak of. His thoughts were - he doesn't know me and will be fully honest. Which, any good friend should be, so by addressing you and him as friend, it seemed proper. Great poem too hey.

thanks for passing bye
yeah sometimes people reach out to stranges when they have no other choices...
it may seem strange, but it's better than not opening up to anyone I guess

Ish happens to the best of us
Sometimes it cuts like a knife
Pain's like a blessing, a curse
It is just one part of being alive

Guess that's what he needed to hear, that it was going to be better, that the pain will go away
All the best with the challenge 😊

I guess it is a part of being alive, I had my small share of that part, and I hope it's the only share I'll ever have hehe
Thanks for passing bye 😊 and good luck to you too ;)

This post has received a 100.00% upvote from @fambalam! Join thealliance community to get whitelisted for delegation to this community service.

Congratulations @hazem91! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s) :

You distributed more than 70000 upvotes. Your next target is to reach 71000 upvotes.

You can view your badges on your board And compare to others on the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word STOP

Do not miss the last post from @hivebuzz:

Introducing HiveBuzz Shop - Offer gifts with your favorite badges
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!