The Gear That Doesn't Exist

It's not a car with fancy looks, it couldn't even go as fast as the others. But it gives me a homely feel, it's the only place in my today's life which gives me the feel of good old days. I thought escaping from my home was my door to exploration and happiness. It really is, I really learned a lot when I left that home. But I'm having some kind of a feeling that those old days have a different dimension than I ever thought.

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It was my father's car, he bought it when he got stable at his job. It was from years of savings.
I'm not that usual homesick guy, but it is kind of a realisation that the home moulded me as a person. There was not much change inside me after leaving that home, when I say inside it's about my thoughts and beliefs.

All those beliefs and mindset were settled from inside of those four prison walls called home. It wasn't that much of a prison, but then I felt that way. It couldn't give me the freedom or space where my mind could do its experiments. It isn't about big discoveries but little researches.

This car is the only one who knows me more than anyone in this city, now he knows me more than my parents. So when I'm driving it I don't try to wear that face of a matured one I'm now. Inside this car, I'm just that little kid who still doesn't know what he is doing in this world.

Every moment I have that feel but when I'm driving I feel more and more little. Yesterday my brother called and told me there's a little function held by our old friend's sports club. They are conducting a little reunion, he didn't try to force me cause he knew that I won't go back if I don't want to.

It's Friday, I got home too early. I was thinking a lot about that little reunion. I'd love to go back but somewhere in the middle there's something that holds me back. Maybe it's her, she was the one who had an important part in my those old days.

We had gone some real good trips in this car, I still remember that day on the beach. When I left her for a minute to have a cigarette and then she found out it and argued with me the whole time when we were returning home. I can't face her, but after I left there, she called me a few times and we had simple talks. She acted normal and that made me sadder.

After thinking over, again and again, I decided it, I'm going back. I need a pause button for this life.
It's dusk, the light is fading away, it's more of a red now. The whole of this red made an impression of a magical passage. It really was one, and I'm travelling towards the world on the other side.