The black fog returns 🌫🌫🏴 Feeling empty. 😢😥

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Its been a low day for me, woke up feeling very low. I think its all due ti my back hurting and waiting for the results from the MRI scan I had on Saturday morning. Having to live with pain normally is hard enough but now having added pain its making living so much harder. Its been 5 months since I fell down my stairs, the pain hasn't changed. I am concerned about what the results might show. The Doctor will phone me with the results within 7-10 days, 4 days gone 6 more to wait. Hopefully they phone sooner.

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I will either get 2 results, They find something and can fix it or they can't then I am having to live with this pain forever this isn't going to help my Mental Health. I am dreading thinking that I may have to have surgery, every time I have surgery something goes wrong..Mrs Negativity has raised her ugly head. Being in pain 24/7 is such hard work and draining, I don't think I have the energy to have to put up with more pain.

I have spent most of the day lying in bed as lying flat is more comfortable plus with not moving so much I don't get to hear the popping and cracking. Looks like I will be spending more time lying in bed but that means being by myself more. And again that doesn't help my Mental Health.

I am having more thinking time with being less mobile, I thought things were bad before the accident, I couldn't do much then, I do a lot less, evening putting clothes in to the washing machine hurts, standing making my hubby his morning porridge nearly has me in tears. I could use some some good luck at the moment, good news just something to give me a little hope.

I was hoping to get my garden ready for Summer 2021 but the pain won't let me, standing for a couple of minutes is enough to make me cry. I am going to have to wait until the weekend when hubby can come out and give me a hand. The gardening was something for me, my getaway from real life. I don't want to have to rely on anyone, I was proud of what I was doing, I loved seeing my garden all lit up with beautiful flowers. My flowers cheered me up.

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Once the black fog starts to envelope me all I can think about are the negatives in my life,not that I have many positives. Not being able to do things pulls me down deeper into a dark hole, I lose myself. I do find writing/typing how I feel then reading it back makes it more real, makes me see me better. I sometimes wish I could lock myself away from everything and everyone but then I am alone with the pain. Feels like I can't win. Hubby has noticed the change in me so I know he is watching me,

Thankfully I do have support around me, my hubby is very understanding, he knows what I like this, my girls understand, they know me and what happened to me. They always have eyes on me. I don't want to be like this I hate how It makes me feel, I hate cutting myself off from my family, its the only way I know how to cope. I am going to bed, hopefully tomorrow the fog as cleared.

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10 comments
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They haven't been easy days for you. And it might not help much, but when you need to talk, here I am. I wish I could do something to take some of your pain away

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Thank you hunny, you do enough with your lovely messages ♥️

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Some flowers for You My dear❤️

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